The right way to order a pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

8. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

9. Change your accent every three seconds.

10. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

11. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

12. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

13. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

14. Imitate the order taker's voice.

15. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

16. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

17. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

18. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

19. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

20. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"