Your Horrorscope

Aries
Call your semi-aquatic dog over from the mall and ask him if he bought any toupees for Christmas? If the answer is yes, you will find love within 10 minutes.

Gemini
Do not nail your chin to the highest branch of a tree in an attempt to make yourself look really sexy. Your Uncle is a wax crayon.

Leo
Never mistake a mushroom for a boiled egg especially in summer when all the hot guys and girls are out sunbathing in cheese. Your demonic Grandmother is made of jelly.

Libra
Do not use seahorses to remove icicles from your christmas tree. Embalm your chin with tea tree oil and sing like a budgie. You will attract many mates.

Sagittarius
Glue a live camel to your bunghole and tell people its your tail. You will attract the love of your life within the space of 20 days

Aquarius
Gift wrap several tentacles and give them to your Uncle as a peace offering. Wandering frogs legs and Russian curry sauce will make you saucier to the opposite sex.

Taurus
Meeting and dining with 25 sugar-free monkeys is the best way to enhance your libido and your pheromone performance. The least you can do is ask for change.

Cancer
Avoid eating crumpets shaped like Al Gore otherwise your current lunar alignment will prevent you from finding love inside a washing machine.

Virgo
Your anus is shaped like Jessica Alba. Use this to your advantage and offer your sweat pores to dwarves and moles. Your true love will come running to you.

Scorpio
Do not talk about your explosive bowels with Mickey Mouse or his dad, Tom Cruise. Flamethrowers do not drool over your lovers so you shouldnt either.

Capricorn
Hairbrushes made from Lego can work miracles on your hair and face if used correctly. Frying pans make excellent tarot cards when looking for love.

Pisces
Handle several furious cream cakes in a most vulgar manner until they confess the secrets of giving off the most potent shag scents ever.