Your Horrorscope

Aries
Do not smack a rattlesnake with a 12-foot hammer and eat his funny bone for fun. Also avoid pouring boiling oil over your Christmas tree.

Gemini
Carving crop circles into your Grandmothers fur is not the way to learn the guitar. The planet Mercury is staring.

Leo
Your confidence is great. A statue of a hairy shrimp will be enough to make you drool and run around screaming, "I love Aunt Martha!"

Libra
Cave paintings on your chin will increase public awareness of your Uncle and his fire built from water. Biscuits are vegetarians.

Sagittarius
A hairy bicycle is the most effective way to learn how to juggle bananas rather then offering a mouldy sack of tangerines to Herbert the Dancing Pixie.

Aquarius
You will feel the urge to re-enact several Shakespeare plays using mushrooms and sex toys. Go easy and don’t over-do it, as your Aunt Betsy is scared of chopsticks.
Taurus
Take things easy. Nobody likes it when pixies shove an umbrella up your anus and then open it. You stink of Swedish trench coats

Cancer
Beware - the next time you try to pump petrol from a petrol pump, you may find jellied gooseberries coming out of the nozzle. The stars are not on your side.

Virgo
Avoid going for a ride on the back of a giant squid. They are con artists and will give you cricket bats instead of marmalade and Jessica Alba posters.

Scorpio
Morris dancers will break into your home disguised as goats, and will sniff every roll of toilet paper in your bathroom and document the results on a cardboard orange.

Capricorn
The government conspiracy that you always try and convince people to believe, is finally coming true. Yes, every man (and woman) with a goatee will absorb steel through his (or her) facial hairs.

Pisces
Your concrete monkey is losing his mind and will soon implode if you don’t stroke his back and call him "Howard the Duck". If you don’t have a concrete monkey then just get rid of it.