Your Horrorscope

Aries
Do not smack a rattlesnake with a 12-foot hammer and eat his funny bone for fun. Also avoid pouring boiling oil over your Christmas tree.

Gemini
Carving crop circles into your Grandmothers fur is not the way to learn the guitar. The planet Mercury is staring.

Leo
Your confidence is great. A statue of a hairy shrimp will be enough to make you drool and run around screaming, "I love Aunt Martha!"

Libra
Cave paintings on your chin will increase public awareness of your Uncle and his fire built from water. Biscuits are vegetarians.

Sagittarius
A hairy bicycle is the most effective way to learn how to juggle bananas rather then offering a mouldy sack of tangerines to Herbert the Dancing Pixie.

Aquarius
You will feel the urge to re-enact several Shakespeare plays using mushrooms and sex toys. Go easy and don’t over-do it, as your Aunt Betsy is scared of chopsticks.
Taurus
Take things easy. Nobody likes it when pixies shove an umbrella up your anus and then open it. You stink of Swedish trench coats

Cancer
Beware - the next time you try to pump petrol from a petrol pump, you may find jellied gooseberries coming out of the nozzle. The stars are not on your side.

Virgo
Avoid going for a ride on the back of a giant squid. They are con artists and will give you cricket bats instead of marmalade and Jessica Alba posters.

Scorpio
Morris dancers will break into your home disguised as goats, and will sniff every roll of toilet paper in your bathroom and document the results on a cardboard orange.

Capricorn
The government conspiracy that you always try and convince people to believe, is finally coming true. Yes, every man (and woman) with a goatee will absorb steel through his (or her) facial hairs.

Pisces
Your concrete monkey is losing his mind and will soon implode if you don’t stroke his back and call him "Howard the Duck". If you don’t have a concrete monkey then just get rid of it.

The Power and Weakness Of Love

My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment. My mom ran a small shop at a flea market. She collected little weeds and such to sell anything for the money we needed she was such an embarrassment. There was this one-day during elementary school. It was field day, and my mom came. I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me? I threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school... "Your mom only has one eye?” And they taunted me. I wished that my mom would just disappear from this world so I said to my mom, "mom. Why don’t you have the other eye? If you're only going to make me a laughingstock, why don’t you just die?" my mom did not respond. I guess I felt a little bad, but at the same time, it felt good to think that I had said what I’d wanted to say all this time. Maybe it was because my mom hadn’t punished me, but I didn’t think that I had hurt her feelings very badly. That night... I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. My mom was crying there, so quietly, as if she was afraid that she might wake me. I took a look at her, and then turned away. Because of the thing I had said to her earlier, there was something pinching at me in the corner of my heart. Even so, I hated my mother who was crying out of her one eye. So I told myself that I would grow up and become successful. Cause I hated my one-eyed mom and our desperate poverty. Then I studied real hard. I left my mother and came to Seoul and studied, and got accepted in the Seoul University with all the confidence I had. Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. Then I had kids, too. Now I’m living happily as a successful man. I like it here because it's a place that doesn’t remind me of my mom. This happiness was getting bigger and bigger, when. What? Who’s this? ...It was my mother... ...still with her one eye. It felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me. My little girl ran away, scared of my mom's eye. And I asked her, "Who are you?" "I don’t know you!!!" as if trying to make that real. I screamed at her," How dare you come to my house and scare my daughter!" "GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight. Thank good ness... she doesn’t recognize me. I was quite relieved. I told myself that I wasn’t going to care, or think about this for the rest of my life. Then a wave of relief came upon me... one day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So, lying to my wife that I was going on a business trip, I went. After the reunion, I went down to the old shack, that I used to call a house...just out of curiosity there, I found my mother fallen on the cold ground. But I did not shed a single tear. She had a piece of paper in her hand.... it was a letter to me.

My Son …
I think my life has been long enough now. And. I won’t visit Seoul anymore... but would it be too much to ask if I wanted you to come visit me once in a while? I miss you so much. And I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I decided not to go to the school. ...For you... and I’m sorry that I only have one eye, and I was an embarrassment for you. You see, when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mom, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with only one eye... so I gave you mine...I was so proud of my son that was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. I was never upset at you for anything you did. The couple times that you were angry with me, I thought to myself, 'it's because he loves Me.' my son... oh, my son... I don’t want you to cry for me, because of my death. Please don’t cry... my son, I love you so much

Love

Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.


The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you.

You mean the world to someone.

Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look again.

Someone in the world no matter their Age dreams of your smile all the time

Always remember the compliments you received.

Forget the rude remarks.

Drive not Drink

WENT TO A PARTY, MUM

I went to a party, And remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom So I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would, That I didn't drink and drive, Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice, And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended, And the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car, Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mom Something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement, And I hear the policeman say, The kid that caused this wreck was drunk, Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me, As I try hard not to cry. I can hear the paramedic say, This girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea, While he was flying high, Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom Knowing that it ruins lives? And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom Tell daddy to be brave, And when I go to heaven, Put " Mommy 's Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have taught him, That it's wrong to drink and drive. Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom I'm getting really scared. These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom, As I lie here and die. I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!" So I love you and good-bye.

Start Laughing

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken, and the ones left are handicapped or too small.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?

A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

A: Castrated.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?

A: A snowwoman is easier to make, cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head

Coke Contents

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl ...Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into aload of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

10. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

11. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

12. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!